Sometimes I feel like curling up into a ball on my living room floor and hiding.
I've told you before how terrible I am at making friends. I'm a pretty shy person, really, and generally not very open about my feelings. I don't know how to talk to people I don't know. I crave closeness but I hold myself back.
I went to a playgroup yesterday. I was so proud of myself for going, for opening myself up to that. I was prepared for disaster. When I got to the park, I didn't see anyone. My mind immediately want to dark places. No one showed up. I spent all morning psyching myself up and no one is here. And they didn't tell me. They knew I was coming, that's why they didn't show up. They hate me. How do they already know that? They haven't even met me yet. They must just have a sense for it.
Yeah, I'm that ridiculous.
Because then I realized the park had two playgrounds.
The playgroup was okay. I made it through just fine Everyone was very nice, but , but I felt like I was on the outside. I didn't talk much, and while the moms tried to talk to me, there wasn't all that much to talk about, so I mostly sat and listened to them talk. What if I say something and they don't like it? What if they think I'm weird because I'm not saying anything at all? I need to leave before they realize how uncool I am. I started trying to plan my exit. How could I leave without insulting them? Maybe if it started raining. Or my phone rang.
I had been waiting for this all week, been so nervous and excited, and I was sitting there hoping my phone would ring.
The Internet makes me brave, which subsequently makes me terrified. I write these posts, or say something on twitter, or leave a comment on a blog, and I am instantly terrified that people are going to hate me. Did I say something wrong? Did I overstep? Why hasn't anyone replied? What does that reply mean?
It's never quiet in my head, people.
Earlier this week, I read Yael's lovely post about popularity, and I instantly went on a quest for the scene she was talking about. I found it. Here it is. Watch. I'll wait.
Every time I watch, it makes me happy. I'm uncool. And when I hang with the cool people (probably a lot of you!) it does make me feel cool. But I'm not. And I need to stop trying to be cool, stop trying to fit into some mold, and just be the gushy, overprotective, random, girly, word-loving, coupon-clipping, nerdy, huggy, terrified woman that I am. I need to learn how to let that be enough.
You are so amazing. You are cool and wonderful and so kind and caring. You have helped me. And no, never try to fit into any idea of a mold. Just be you. You are enough. I swear it. Thank you for being so freaking brave to post this. I have felt the same way. Sending forever hugs.
ReplyDeleteThe first couple of times I went to my mom's group I came home in tears b/c I felt so much like an outsider. My husband kept encouraging me to go and I'm glad I did b/c I did finally make some connections. It just takes me longer than most people I think.
ReplyDeleteAnd for what it's worth, I think you're pretty cool.
I am a lot like you - I desire connections but have trouble making them. And my mind never turns off either.
ReplyDeleteI am trying to not beat myself up about it. And also to push myself a little outside of my comfort zone more often.
You are definitely cool.
Hi, just found your blog and am a new follower. I can totally relate to this post. I am always second guessing myself, sitting in the background when there are new people around and finding it difficult to get myself out there to make new friends. I keep telling myself to suck it up, that I need real life mom friends, but so far...I've done nothing about it.
ReplyDeleteLove this too. So glad you found that clip :)
ReplyDeleteAnd...it is enough. I know I don't know you, but I like you. Whenever I see your tweets or get a comment from you I smile because you seem like a really, really wonderful person. And that is way cool.